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Getting “There”

Lately I’ve been in one of those fogs… where you are more keenly aware of your mind and way more “inside yourself” than anything else.  And one thing that I keep coming back to – well, I figured I might as well share it with you guys.  That’s what blogs are for, right?

You know how growing up… for most people there’s a moment where we see someone (most likely a parent) doing something that they just do not love?  They seem so miserable or robot-like.  Like a zombie just going through the motions, day in and day out, because they have to.  And we swear to ourselves that we won’t be like that.  We won’t let ourselves just become a statistic… another drone that just drudges through life.

And then one day, we wake up and we’re exactly that.

How did we get there?

The bigger question I’ve been asking myself lately is… how do we change that?

There must be a way, right?  People all over the place are doing what they love.  So there’s got to be a way to make that happen.

But how do you bridge the gap?  How do you get to the point where you aren’t just mindlessly pushing through each day, constantly counting down to the next weekend and you are actually enjoying what you do?  Most people spend well over 2000 hours a year at their job, and what a waste that is when it’s a job that we don’t love.

We heard people tell us all the time that we could do anything we put our minds to.  That we could be anything we wanted to be.  So how many people actually took that to heart and really made it happen?

What about you guys – do you like what you do?

To be clear, I am SUPER grateful for the job that I have and for all that it has afforded me.  I believe that the work I do makes a difference and that is something that’s really important to me.  Maybe this is less about my actual job, currently, and more about the stage of life that I’m in.  I don’t know… But I do want to be clear that I’m not ungrateful.

I just sometimes look back and think about how I got to where I am and wonder how the slightest change in direction could’ve landed me in a completely different place.  This isn’t really the focus of this post, though, so I’ll get back to that before I veer too far off course…

I’m just not someone who sees myself sitting at a desk. I’ve been doing this kind of work for 12 years, now, and I just don’t know if it’s right for me.  I want to work with my hands.  I want to be outside more.  I want… just something different.

Do you now anyone who’s made a complete career change at some point in their lives?  How did they do this?

Doing something like this would take a lot of faith and right now it just seems like nothing more than a fantasy.

I don’t mean to sound depressing or completely unhappy because I’m not.  I have a good life.  I’m a happy person and I’m not sure if I do a good job of conveying that through this blog, but it’s true.  I’m just not one to go more than an hour without having a smile on my face.  It’s just not who I am.

But even in the midst of that, I can’t help but wonder, sometimes, if this is really what I should be doing… if it’s where I should be.  This isn’t something that I just started feeling recently, but I’ve discussed it with Studly on quite a few occasions over the years.  And it just all comes back to one major point:  how would I even begin to make such a drastic career change?
Anywho – this is really just my trying to sort through some thoughts “out loud” so I’d love to hear from you.  Anything to add?  Is anyone else dealing with similar feelings?  Have any of you or someone you know gone through this and just taken a giant leap of faith?  I’d love to hear about it!

~Hope

Dear Baby

I dream about you.

I dream about the day that we’ll finally meet you.  I dream about your birth mother and the struggle that she’ll face when she first discovers that she’s pregnant.  How she’ll consider several options and possibly change her mind quite  a few times before she follows through on placing you with an adoptive family.

I’m sure that she’ll wonder if she’s doing the right thing…  wonder if she will regret it… wonder if she’ll be able to follow through.

I imagine her emotional struggle as she gives birth.  How the entire time she’s laboring and then pushing… she’ll be thinking about you and the decision she’s making.  She may even, in that moment, think she should keep you with her and not place you with us.  I can’t truly fathom those thoughts.

Having wanted you for so long, I can’t imagine being not he other side of the process.  But I try.  I just want to be sure that I don’t forget her through our journey to you.  To becoming the family God has destined us to be.  Because without her, we won’t have you.  And for that, I am forever in her debt.

She will make the choice to put you above herself.  She will acknowledge that, for whatever reason, she can’t give you the life that you deserve… and in her love, and in God’s grace, she will choose us to do just that.

I think about you and how it’s possible that even as I write this, you may not have even been conceived yet.  Ad my mind wanders through various scenarios that could even bring that to fruition.

Sweet child, your conception may not be planned and the first moments of your tiny life, in the very moment when you become your very own string of DNA, just then you will become my daughter.  I won’t know you yet, and I won’t know of your existence for quite a while longer, but it will be in that moment that the life that is planned for you will begin.

In the first realization of your existence, your birth mother may feel less than excited, but just wait… just hold on to the hope that you will be loved.  You will be cherished.  You will be covered in kisses and snuggled day after day.  You may not feel it in those moments… in the moments when your birth mother feels doubt, or anger, or hurt, or hopelessness… but you are, sweet one!

As every finger and every eyelash and every flake of skin develops, you are wrapped in love.  You are created in love by a God who has so much in store for you.  And you are prayed for… longed for by parents who can’t wait to meet you.

To hold you.

To kiss your sweet face.

To smell your newborn smell.

And to watch the wonder in your eyes as you grow and experience this world and all that it offers.

Sweet love, you are cherished.  You are perfect.  You are an answer to prayer.

And all before you even came to be.

Always remember this, as it is sewn into the very fiber of your being:  You ARE wanted.

♬  I’ve missed you, but I haven’t met you.

      Oh but I want to… How I do.  ♪♩

I love you so.

~Mama

Lunch Dates and Baby Elephants

Studly and I finally had some much needed time out and about together.  We’ve just had so many little things (and some not-so-little things, too) popping up lately that we haven’t made the time for each other that we really should have.  But that all changed today.

It was nothing big, but it was just what we needed.  Lunch and a few hours wandering through stores, picking things out, and trying things on… nothing more than just some good, quality time together.  And it was glorious.  But that’s not really the point of this post.

While we were at lunch, we talked.  And that was probably the best part.  We shared what’s been on our hearts and minds, lately, and talked about the future.  Among other things, we discussed how things always seem to pop up and that waiting for the “right time,” something illusive and practically nonexistent, would mean never taking that step toward what we want.  Toward a big reason for us moving here.  Toward a dream that we’ve had for quite some time.

So although we aren’t diving in and actually doing anything right away, we’ve decided that we will finally start actively researching domestic adoption in Texas.

This makes it so much more real, ladies… SO REAL!!

We’ve got a lot to do regarding our financial situation, thanks to the things that have popped up recently that we weren’t prepared for, but frankly – we still don’t even know what the process or laws specific to Texas even look like.  We even have to figure out if we’ll use an agency, and which one.  We’ll have to make some difficult, serious, very honest decisions about what, if any, restrictions we will make on anything.  And then we’ve still gotta save up enough money to be able to fund the whole thing.  It’s quite the list.  But today’s decision is really just to take that first step into making it all a reality.  But that first step in not only a doozy… it’s also super meaningful.

We’re taking the first step towards finally becoming parents.  To no longer just being Hope and Studly, but mommy and daddy.  Finally.

They say the average wait time for domestic adoption is somewhere around 2 years… which, oddly enough, is about the same as the typical gestation of a baby elephant.  So that has become our symbol.  A symbol of our future.  Of our family.  Of our someday baby.

It’s kind’ve like a symbol of hope.

And hope can be trying, at times.  Can’t it?  There are days it seems so far away.  Days when it seems pointless.  Like you’re just wasting your energy and emotion on something that may never happen.

But our hope endures.

I’ll be sure to keep you guys posted on things as we work through them.  There’s definitely a lot on that list, so… there won’t be a shortage of things to share.  Just be patient with me as it’ll take some time.  But feel free to check in with me!  Ask questions and I’ll be more than happy to answer them, too… that’s a promise!

These days, I’m just trying to take things one step at a time… and as they say – the journey of thousand miles begins with a single step.

~Hope

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