I Want to Be a Mommy
I want to be a mommy.
I’ve wanted to be one ever since I was a little girl. I’m not sure where it originated, to be truthful, but I just always remember it being there – the desire… the dream. And now, it’s still nothing more than an ache. I’ve been been married for over 6 years. We haven’t been “preventing” at all, for the entirety of our marriage. The truth of the matter is that it just hasn’t happened, yet.
I’m not naive enough to think it’ll be all grins and giggles. I know I’ll be sleep-deprived, and constantly busy, and cleaning up puke and leaky diapers at 3am…. I get that. But that changes nothing of the desire.
Anyone who’s been in my position knows that you go through seasons. There are days, sometimes several at a time… weeks even… where your heart just hurts. It’s hard to describe. There’s almost this pit, but it’s not in your stomach. Have you ever had a pit in your stomach? Now imagine it’s moved up further into your chest. That’s about the best I can describe it. It’s just an intense longing that is hard to satisfy. And it kind’ve sneaks up on you.
But then, most of the time, you have the “other” days. The days where it’s more-so on the backburner than it is front and center. It’s never fully gone, but it’s not all-time consuming, either. At least not for me. And I’m grateful for that. I’ve known women that obsess over their hurt and I’ve never seen it produce positive results – not in their marriage… not in their friendships… not with their families… not even just within themselves.
I’m so very glad to be grounded and to have a husband that ensures I stay that way. He’s very compassionate when I’m going through the rough times, but he also never fails to gently remind me that making motherhood or a family into my idol can do no one any good. And he’s right. So I give myself 10 more minutes to hurt and be sad, and then I wipe my eyes and smile, becuase I know the God of the universe. And I know that his plan for my life – our life – is way better than my short-sighted wishes.
Though I can’t speak for anyone else in a similar situation, the fact of the matter is that the majority of my time is comprised of “other” days. And I’m not typically one to be sent spiraling into a rough patch by a baby commercial or lifetime movie. So, the “other” days are really the norm. But even in the midst of them, the hope flickers on… the hope that one day, I’ll be able to talk about how worth the wait it was…. How much I learned through the years of praying and learning to be patient and remaining faithful.
Until then, I just keep dreaming and pushing through the rough, ache-filled, painful times, and I stay grateful for the season that I’m in now… Doing my best to enjoy the time we have now that’s just for the two us… And making sure that I don’t ever allow myself to become obsessed with something that will one day come, and it’ll be a much more perfect time than I think now would be.